


He's Gone

by SassyStrider



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Decapitation, Happy birthday Shinji Ikari!, Self-Hatred, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 04:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4087510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyStrider/pseuds/SassyStrider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji looked down at his hands, his fingers twitching slightly as the clenched them. Even though it wasn't by his hands, he could feel the pale, supple skin of Kaworu's throat on his fingertips when he did this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He's Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday, Shinji Ikari! Also, it's the year of Evangelion, 2015. Nice. I don't think this is Kawoshin, but imagine what you wish. You're free to interpret it as Kawoshin, but it's nothing really romantic or anything.

Shinji looked down at his hands, his fingers twitching slightly as he shook, and he clenched them. Even though it wasn't by his hands, he could feel the pale, supple skin of Kaworu's throat on his fingertips when he did this. The sirens still blared in his head as they screeched the terrible reality of Kaworu's truth. He could still hear Kaworu's soft voice as he spoke to Shinji in his final moments of life.

_Now, destroy me_

Shinji did this. He was the one that murdered Kaworu with his own hands- No, EVA Unit 01's hands. Still, imaginary blood stained his fingertips. He had killed someone. It was no different than any other angel he had destroyed, he tried to reason, but it was _Kaworu_. Kaworu, the first person to say the words "I love you" to Shinji. The only one that loved him, and cared for him.

_It was for the good of humanity. If you hadn't killed him, humanity would have been annihilated._ He tried to justify his reasons for killing Kaworu. Tears spilled down his cheeks as he repeated his those phrases like a mantra. _It was for humanity, he was an angel. Humanity was going to be annihilated, it was for humanity. He was an angel, it was justified._

Something in him finally snapped and he screamed, clutching his head with his hands, hot tears still flowing down his cheeks as he hiccupped out sobs. Kaworu was gone. It was his fault. How could he even get close to an angel? How dare Kaworu betray his trust like that? Shinji's sadness turned to anger for a split second, before the powerful feeling of loss overcame his rage. He hung his head low, slumping against the wall in his bedroom and tucking his knees up to his chest. He shuddered and took in quick breaths as he sobbed, the never ending tears continuing to run down his cheeks.

_Thank you._

Shinji raised his head up as he heard a familiar voice in the back of his mind. Was he imagining things...? No, no, it can't be him, he's not alive anymore. Shinji didn't want to hear his voice anymore. It was torment, hearing his melodic voice even though he wasn't here anymore, and never would be.

_Thank you, Shinji Ikari._

More tears welled up in his eyes, and he buried his face in his knees. He fell deeper into grief when he heard those words, the mental image of Kaworu's sad smile as he was held in the hand of EVA Unit 01 resurfacing in his mind. Then the moment that it held Kaworu's bloody, limp body came up. Blood had splattered everywhere as Kaworu's head popped off with the force of EVA Unit 01's power.

"He deserved to, to live more than I did. He was better than I could ever be..." Shinji's voice was unstable, littered with hiccups that interrupted his speech with every other few words. His body wracked with sobs and he shook, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes to try to stop more tears from leaking out, to no avail. _I'm so pitiful. No, not even. I'm truly worthless._ Shinji wrapped his arms around himself, imagining that maybe, just maybe, they were Kaworu's and not his own. He felt no warmth, even from his own hands, and he hugged himself tighter. He dug his fingers harshly into his sides as he cried out, trying to wake up from this dream that he was stuck in. Unfortunately, he was in reality. It was no dream- Kaworu's death was real. There was no illusion. 

**Author's Note:**

> Damn. first the Mami story and now the this story? I have a thing for writing about characters cry when I write birthday stories, don't I?


End file.
